Jellyfish In My Panties

It's coming...

A few things happened in the last month of my pregnancy that made me just want to get Avery the heck out of me!  It was June (then July), and the prehistoric school building I work in in not air conditioned and has zero air flow, so I was HOT, swollen, sweaty, cranky.  I knew the baby had "dropped" when I started kneeing myself in the belly every time I climbed stairs.  There are photos of my baby shower on which a friend commented "Now we know how you got pregnant!", because I was wearing a dress and my legs were open - but I am not that kind of girl! - it was just that the baby had dropped and I COULDn't put my legs together!  My due date came and went, and I tried everything I had heard of to get things going: spicy food, long walks, stair climbing, sex - ha! - just kidding: I was not lucky enough to have a husband who found the pregnant form beautiful (this did not bode well for our marriage either, but that is another tale and another blog (I have promised myself this one will not be an outlet to discuss my marital dissolution)); I begged and pleaded, said things like "I only need you at the end!  You can just go look at porn and rush in for the last minute!", but to no avail :(

I had been holding on to the hope that I might even deliver early, because MY mother had, and because I found a little blood in my underwear ("bloody show"), and because I also found a few snot-like strings in there, too :s  I know - disgusting.  But at that point, it was exciting, because I thought it was the light at the end of the tunnel of pregnancy!  But it wasn't...

I think it was the day before my due date, or maybe right on my due date that I woke up in the morning, went to the washroom, and found THIS in my panties!!!

Okay, that is an actual jellyfish.  But the photos I found of ACTUAL mucous plugs were far more disgusting, and even I gagged just looking at them!  I wouldn't do that to my unsuspecting and trusting followers, but if you didn't have the pleasure of seeing your own, and want to check it out, click here!  You have been warned, though!  But anyway, yes - I found the most horrifying sight!  If you're afraid to click the link, I will try to describe it for you (if you're extra squeamish, though, just skip to the next paragraph).  Think of the grossest booger you've ever seen - the soft, yellowish kind, but with some clear strands, and some darker, crunchier bits in there, too (ugh, I'm getting nauseous just typing this! :s)...then picture that booger about the size of your fist!  Just this gross, gelatinous mass - cold, at that point, because I don't know when it actually exited my body, as I was sleeping.

I called my midwife right away: surely THIS must indicate impending labour!  But, no...still no...all that meant was that my cervix was preparing for the big event (and I was 3cm dilated at that point), but I still had days to wait!

How horrified are you right now?  Apparently lots of women never see their mucous plugs, as it doesn't come out until they're in active labour in the hospital already - did YOU?  I'd love to hear about your own experiences, or just how I'm doing in the shock-value department ;)

P.S. There were several senior students who happened upon me researching photos of jellyfish on my prep, which led to a full-on discussion of pregnancy, labour, and mucous plugs - and I'm happy to report that future rates of teenage pregnancy may decline because of it! One 18 year old guy even said, "Oh man...I don't even want to go NEAR my girlfriend ever again!" :D

Super Bowl Stones, Embarrassing Falls, Baby Brain, and Sausage Feet

Oops, I lied!  A few more pregnancy unpleasantries...

SUPER BOWL STONES  Somewhere around the middle of my pregnancy, I was on my way to a Super Bowl party...  My husband and I had taken separate cars, since he'd be leaving for a night shift (in the winter, he groomed at a local ski hill at night) afterwards, and I'd be going home to bed, but we had stopped at a Shoppers Drug Mart so he could get supplies for the boy-standard "pool" he wanted to run at the party.  He went into the store and I waited in my vehicle.  Everything was fine.  Until suddenly everything was absolutely NOT fine, and I was doubled over in pain over the steering wheel!  Out of nowhere, I had the most excruciating pain in my back on the middle-right side.  I screamed, the pain was so intense.  Panic overtook me and I blindly staggered out of the car, unsure of my next move, but sure something was terribly wrong with me.  I wanted to puke because of the pain.  I bent down on the sidewalk outside the store, but there were people out there and I was embarrassed.  I wasn't sure whether to call out to the to get help or to hide - so I hid.  I climbed into the back seat of my car and proceded to rock back and forth on my hands and knees, just like you see severely mentally handicapped people doing sometimes on TV, banging my head against the passenger side door, desperate for relief and sure something was about to rip through my body at any time.  I dont' even think I can convey the intensity with words, but suffice it to say it was MORE intense and painful than labour!  My husband found me like that and tried to move me, but I must have growled or lashed out or indicated in some other animalistic way that he would be killed if he touched me.  And then, just like that, it was over!  No pain, totally fine (but still really freaked out because of what had just gone on)!  I ended up driving myself home, tentatively, afraid the red-hot poker that had threatened to burn its way out of my abdomen moments before would return - and it did - but not until I was safely in my bed.  That time, it was shorter in duration and less scary, just because I had some amount of confidence it would pass.  I called my midwife, who told me it didn't sound like anything baby-related, and was likely either a gall stone or kidney stone attack, as the two can often have similar symptoms.  She said they were generally confirmed by CT scan, but that could be harmful to the baby due to radiation...so just to wait it out and hope it didn't return!  To this day, I have no idea which one, if either, of those conditions I was afflicted by!  But I live in fear of its return, because it was absolutely terrible.  Apparently, both are more common during pregnancy because of increased hormone levels.  Damn hormones!  They are responsible for a whole lotta bad.  And they ruined Super Bowl.

FALLING!  At first, I just thought I was getting clumsy, tripping when going upstairs and that sort of thing.  It was as though I'd go to take a step...except my legs didn't move!  It didn't happen that often, but often enough that I noticed the increase, and when I fell at school (during a fire drill, outside, in front of the entire staff and student body - not embarrassing at all :s), everyone noticed!  My body weight shifted forward to walk back into the school, but my legs didn't move to support it, and I fell FLAT on my face - seriously; I didn't even put my hands out to break my fall - I couldn't!  I ended up with an abrasion on my collar bone, cuts on my hands, and a suspected fracture at the base of my thumb (deep in the palm) and across my patella (suspected because I refused x-rays to since I was pregnant, so they couldn't be confirmed), and a very bruised ego.  Another time, I was chatting with a neighbour on her lawn, and my dog started to assume the position to take a crap on the adjoining neighbour's lawn (one I was not so popular with), so I lunged to grab him to pull him away...but once again, my legs did not move with me, and I landed right on my big, pregnant belly, and right NEXT to the poo!  Tres embarrassing.  And concerning!  Both times sent me to the walk-in clinic to have them check my baby's heart rate, just to be safe.  This condition came and went with my pregnancy, but a few months later, a cousin contacted me about a condition my aunt had just been diagnosed with: Myotonia Congenita.  Basically, it's a genetic condition with symptoms not limited to, but including the inability or delayed ability for a muscle to relax after a voluntary contraction.  No one thought much of it before my aunt was diagnosed, but once we began to think about it, several of us cousins had suffered similar symptoms at some point in our lives - mine just seemed exacerbated by pregnancy.  I haven't undergone the testing to confirm that I have this condition (though I plan to, because it is genetic, so my son could likely have it, and because, though not life-threatening on its own, it can cause complications with certain anaesthesias), and I haven't been able to find any research supporting my theory that it was dragged out of hiding as a result of pregnancy-related hormones or anything, but I still believe there is a link.

BABY BRAIN  You hear about this, and I'm pretty sure every pregnant woman experiences Baby Brain to some extent.  I'm not going to get all medical (I'm tired from my Myotonia Congenita research) on you and discuss the real reasons behind it; I'm simply going to say that I have a BA in English, have post-grad certification, and pride myself (okay, that might be an exaggeration) on life-long learning...and while pregnant, I was unable to beat a 5 year old and a 3 year old at a game of Memory.  I actually tried strategy: I told myself I'd just memorize the 3 cards directly in front of me, which should dramatically increase my chances - but I couldn't!  I tried cheating: the edges of the cards were scalloped, and I tried to see which ones would fit together because matches had been cut out next to one another - still nothin'!  Oh, the shame of it all...

SAUSAGE FEET  I was pretty lucky, and even though I gained more than the recommended 25 pounds (Psh!  Does ANYONE ever gain only that much?  I gained 37-42), I carried it well, mostly in the belly, and didn't look pregnant from the back.  Until the last month or so!  At which point, I started retaining water and had the most swollen feet ever!  It also affected me in the face and arms, but the feet were definitely the most noticeable - I couldn't wear normal shoes!  I had to buy a pair of the ugliest Crocs in the world, and wear them everywhere, including with a dress to the high school graduation ceremony :s  I got addicted to their hideous comfort, though, and still wear them, I'm ashamed to admit...but now there is a 3/4 inch gap between the strap and the top of my foot, whereas then, even they'd leave a nasty imprint in my swollen flesh.  So fat!  After a few weeks, it became known that this was due to high blood pressure, which can lead to pregnancy-induced hypertension, preeclampsia, and toxemia, and was the reason I needed to be induced at the end.

So...tell me your best (worst) Baby Brain moment!

The Bane of My Existence

Okay, after all the gross stuff I've shared, this might seem minimal - but for me, it's the worst. All the other stuff is either temporary or at least concealed beneath your clothes! But the mask of pregnancy is right out there for everyone to see.

Technically called Chloasma or Melasma, the mask appeared on my forehead, and around my eyes (like a mask) in the form of areas of darker pigmentation. At first, it just looked like a tan. But it quickly became more prominent, leaving the unaffected skin closest to my eyes looking strikingly pale, and the darker patched kind of dirty! It made me really self-conscious, so I was extra pissed when my husband so sensitively asked if I'd used "that self tanner again", because it looked "reeeally bad". Why thank you.

Since I wasn't expecting it and didn't put it together as a pregnancy-related condition for a while, I didn't take any precautions against it. It was summer, it was hot, I was out, loving the rays. NOW I don't leave the house without SPF 100 on my face!

Unlike the ugly linea nigra, the mask doesn't go away on its own! Google it (or click one of the links above), and a doctor will till you it will fade after a couple months post-partum - and maybe it does FADE - but that is not enough! I have now had 4 incredibly painful (think: someone snapping a fat elastic band against your face about 1000 times), and even more incredibly expensive (about $400 a pop) laser treatments on it, and although most people don't notice it now, I still do!

That's not even the worst part. The worst is that, once you've been affected by it, you will always be more prone to it. So any sun exposure increases its reappearance, as well as any increase in certain hormone levels. When I went back on the Pill, the worst of the pigmented areas became more noticeable right away. And the next time I'm pregnant, it will be back with a vengeance :(

My midwife, family doctor, dermatologist, and many random Internet sites told me this condition is very common and affects 80% of pregnant women - but I don't know where these sisters-in-misery live, because I have never seen a one! my esthetician told me she knew one woman whose neck turned black from it, but I don't know about that one... And an almost-due pregnant friend told me the mask had finally made an appearance on her forehead, but I saw her last week and didn't see anything - I think she was afraid my envy of her near-perfect pregnancy might consume me if she didn't come up with something! :p (Just kidding, friend - and good luck! (She's in early labour as I write this!))

Anyhow, doesn't seem like much, right? But if you've experienced it, you feel my pain (vain pain, but pain nonetheless!). So tell me...what was the worst part of your pregnancy? Or if you haven't gone down that road yet, what do you most fear? (Obviously, lost babies and sick babies and so on are much, much more terrible - but I want to keep this light, so let's stick to physical unpleasantries!)

Other Things That Suck (but don't warrant their own posts)

OMG - I have a few followers!  Thank you, thank you!  That makes me very happy :)  I know some people have chosen to follow via email, which doesn't increase my follower count, so I like to think I'm a little more popular than I appear, even :P  I wanted to start this blog for me - I wanted a record of my pregnancy and Avery's life, but was never very consistent with pregnancy journals or baby diaries, and this format really appealed to me.  Plus, I really enjoy writing, and have secretly harboured book ideas for ages - but THAT seems a bit too ambitious, so this seemed like a good, safe, and modest place to start.  But now that I've taken the plunge and actually started, I would love to get your feedback and see some discussion started!  Totally optional!  Just wanted you to know it would be very welcome :)

I'm going to move on to "the bane of my existence" - yet another joyfully unexpected aspect of pregnancy (I hope if you've been reading so far you can spot my dripping sarcasm by now), but I do feel the need to say: it wasn't all bad - in fact, there are a lot of parts I really enjoyed!  But first, a few bad parts I don't feel deserve entire posts to themselves...

ACNE  I had moderate acne during the first 3 months.  I got all these little bumps on my chin and forehead that probably wouldn't have been that bad, had I left them alone - but of course, I didn't!  So they were pink and yucky and gross.  My friend Kyle came home from Germany at Christmas (towards the end of my first trimester) and said, "You're glowing" - but this is the same Kyle who told me my hair was a Grandma cut and I ruined his senior prom because of it and whose opinion I value so much I've been growing my hair ever since - so one look at him made me painfully aware of his TOTAL LIE.  I wasn't glowing; my acne was.  It cleared up on its own in the second trimester, and when I finally got in to see my dermatologist, he told me I could have continued to use these little wipe-thingies he'd once prescribed for me before - but how was I to know??  The wait for dermatological appointments is ridiculous, but that is a rant for another day (and someone else's blog).  Anyhow...live and learn...next time, I'll know!

STOMACH STUFF  I was lucky enough to never vomit during my pregnancy (okay - I lie: there was one time I got totally wasted that would have been about 3 days after conception - I didn't know I was pregnant, give me a break!!  Anyway, that is another post), but I did have a week or two during which I'd get super nauseous right around dinner time, and hovered the toilet in preparation anyway.  I found that if I forced myself to eat anyway, I'd feel better.  I often found myself almost barfing if I bent over or laughed after lunch - but that was just towards the end of my pregnancy, when I was huge, and the baby in my uterus had displaced my stomach to a new location within my body, and I really felt like the food was just sitting there, waiting to fall out of my mouth, simply due to gravity :s  Heartburn was another thing: I thought I knew what it was before I was pregnant, but oh, was I wrong!  It hurt like crazy, and would plague me after meals for a few weeks during the second or third trimester.  Rolaids and Tums became good friends of mine.  This was during the time when I still partied and went out with my friends to bars (Stop it - it was one time!  Pregnancy confirmed, I always asked the bartenders to give me a gingerale, but to make it look like a rye and ginger - just so no one would give me a hard time), so while they made ATM and munchy stops, I stocked up on antacids.  The last thing under this category would be...farting.  I'm not a gassy person, really!  But once in a while, they would just fire out, totally without warning!  I remember it happening in the office while speaking to a coworker, who asked if I heard a gun shot.  I also remember having to flatten myself against a bank of lockers and clench every muscle in my body to contain one that threatened to disrupt the quiet of the near-empty hallway I was in.  Cassandra thought we were going into lockdown.

PEE!  When you're pregnant, there is a lot more pressure on your bladder, even before the baby is very big - your uterus swells right away, anyway.  So you have to pee a lot.  I'm pretty sure this is an every-pregnant-woman thing, not just me.  I resented having to get up in the night up to 4 times to pee!  So you see?  The sleep deprivation starts long before the baby comes.  And waiting with a full bladder for ultrasounds??  Ridiculously cruel and unusual.  I was almost responsible for the murder of several ultrasound technicians.  (Side note: isn't it crazy, though, how the undeniable urge to pee disappears entirely as soon as they get the image of your baby on the screen?  See?  I have a soft, squishy side, too.)  I can say with authority that I was lucky enough never to pee my pants while pregnant, and I know several girls who cannot say the same!  But that authority only comes from the belief that the phrase "pee your pants" implies an involuntary loss of bladder control.   I did pee my pants.  But I chose to do it.  Allow me to explain: My husband and I had driven together to pick up one of his work trucks that was in the shop for service.  We each drove one vehicle home, and it was a very long drive (note: at this point in my pregnancy (it was late - probably over 36 weeks), "very long" between pee breaks was about 15 minutes), and I really had to go!  So much it hurt.  I was within city limits, so there wasn't a private bush I could pull over to use, nor did there appear to be any sort of coffee shop or other public bathroom source...and I was wearing a maxi pad (Yeah, weird, since I was pregnant, right?  Well, I was also terrified my water would break in public, and foolishly thought a pad might help contain any amniotic fluid that might burst forth in that case).  So...I consciously decided to pee my pants.  Gawd, it felt good!   Um, however, I quickly learned that maxi pads are not equipt to absorb such a large amount of fluid released that quickly.  And therefore, they also wouldn't have done much in the event my water broke.  Ah, Hindsight, you smug bitch!  (I'm feeling a bit scientific as I write this - that's clinical research, no?  Please refer to me as a scientist from now on.  As opposed to The Girl Who Consciously Peed Her Pants.)  Oh, and Dave?  I'm sorry about the truck seat - never told you about that, did I? :$

NIPPLE BITS  Also in the glorious, glamourous last trimester, I had an evening of horror, when I thought parts of my nipple were falling off.  Unpregnant Girls: did you even know that your nipples are actually made up of tiny little bumps, and that milk comes out of a whole bunch of holes in between those bumps, not just one??  I didn't!  But I digress.  I was examining my nipples (I began examining them, and other girly parts with aforementioned hand mirror, because I read that they can change colour when pregnant - and they do!), and a few of those mini bumps came off in my fingers!  PANIC PANIC PANIC!  But if this happens to you, do not panic.  Because I learned that they weren't actually pieces of flesh; they were milk bits! (I know - you don't even know which possibility makes you want to barf more, right?)  But this happens.  I guess some people leak a little bit of milk before they've had their babies, and it can collect in there, and comes off with a little bit of friction.  Hey - some girls actually stream milk, pre-baby - so this is not the worst evil!

Alright.  I have likely horrified (but hopefully also entertained) enough people for one night.  I'm sure I'm forgetting some things - feel free to remind me if you were there to share with me (I got a lot of pleasure out of disgusting and terrifying my single, non-baby-having friends with these tales), or to share your own inner-most shame and secrets!  I'll write about nice things next, I promise :)  Except for "the bane of my existence", and the upcoming "jellyfish in my panties" posts I have planned...

P.S. Aren't you glad I didn't include any photos in this post?

Linea Nigra

A.K.A. "that gross line up your belly".  I got one.  I hated it.  I remember looking up pictures of them on the Internet after reading about them in "What to Expect When You're Expecting", horrified, but confident in the knowledge that I didn't have one.  And then I looked...and it was super-faint...but it was there!  I have my friend, Cassandra, to thank for spotting that one.  This was only weeks into my pregnancy!  And it only got worse: darker and thicker.  Mine went from down low, up to my belly button - and I guess I should be happy about that, because some women get them up higher than that, and they can do weird things like curve and swirl!  But the lucky girls...they don't get them at all.  I hate those girls (in a most-affectionate way ;)).  The worst was that after I gave birth, the line appeared even darker!  I'm no doctor, but my inexpert opinion is that this happened because, once there was no baby inside me, the skin wasn't stretched anymore, so it gathered and condensed, and got yuckier.  The good news is, it went away - completely - and with no painful and expensive laser therapy (unlike my face :( more on that later), and I don't fully recall, but I think it was gone within a couple months after birth.

Here is a lovely, and very thoughtful paper cut-out potato-person version of me (I'm the one on the right...in the bikini...with the visible linea nigra), also courtesy of the above-mentioned Cassandra.  She is such a sweet girl... :s

Did you get a linea nigra?  Or are you one of those lucky bitches I hate (just kidding - still love you!)?

Purple Polkadots

I'm going to post a few entries on "The Things No One Tells You About Pregnancy".  Or maybe no one else gets them!  I find that hard to believe, though, because whenever I rushed to my doctor, sure there was something wrong with me, I was told it was "very common"...so how come no one ever told me???  I think there are a lot of things pregnant women just don't talk about - and we should!  So here are some of the things I discovered that apparently no one else in the world has ever experienced...

Purple Polkadots
This has a few parts...where to begin?  Let's start with personal grooming.  When your belly gets huge, shaving certain areas of your body becomes "challenging".  I got a thorough waxing shortly before my due date, but spent the whole appointment terrified my water would break each time I tensed in pain/anticipation of pain.  But before that, I was "down there", blindly trying to take care of things with a razor, when all of a sudden, my once-white bathroom looked like a murder scene!  Blood everywhere!

My first thought was that something had happened and I was losing the baby.  But after careful consideration (and a lack of any sort of physical symptom other than the excessive bleeding), I decided that was not the case, so I got out my trusty hand mirror to better investigate.  That's when I found the 3 purple polkadots :s  There were 2 on one side of my...lady business...and one on the other, and they were about 2mm in diametre, but slightly raised - and apparently I had hit one while shaving!  Oh no.  I was sure I had an STD that had lay in wait until I was married and pregnant to surface!

I shamefully booked an appointment with my family physician, at which I learned that, no, I did not have an STD (thankfully!), but that I had "surfaced blood vessels" - apparently very common in pregnant women (this has become an incredibly annoying phrase to me), because of all the extra pressure down there - oh, and that they would never go away (less thankful).

Fantastic.  Who needs a vagazzling when you're already permanently accessorized with purple polkadots?

A Bit About Me...

First of all, the header photo is [sadly] not me.  I am a 30 year old, now-single mom - but I was married (actually, technically still am), and my pregnancy and resulting baby were not accidental - quite planned, in fact.  The "Accidental" in Accidental Supermommi comes the experience of struggling with new mommihood, feeling inadequate and hopeless, but somewhere along the line, realizing - quite by accident - that I get this mom business, and am pretty good at it!  I just have my own style.  I benefited from the knowledge and experience of others, a few books (I read a LOT - but I say a few because I feel I over-read, and the information was conflicting, confusing, damning, and overwhelming), and from finding a rare few women who felt like me: exhausted, depressed, anxious, terrified they would make a mistake and ruin their child forever, selfish, guilty for feeling selfish, and so on.

Pre-Mommihood
I am a formal exercise-hater, but have a pretty active lifestyle nonetheless, and was active in competitive horseback riding, pre-pregnancy.  My husband and I had "agreed" (sort of: I saw his point, but was still a bit reluctant to give it up - safety concerns won out, though) that I would sell my horse (totally expensive hobby :s) and stay off their backs for the duration of my pregnancy.  Horses were a big part of my life, so there wasn't a lot of room for other things, but I liked hanging out with girlfriends, a weekly night on the town, lounging on the beach - the usual.  I spent a lot of time with friends because my husband and I were pretty independent of one another, and also because he worked nights in the winter (so would sleep most of the day and then be gone at night anyway), and extremely long hours every day in the summer (he owns a pretty successful landscape construction company).  I'm only bothering with this information so that the lifestyle change I underwent upon entering mommihood becomes obvious later on...

Anyhow, we had been married for about a year and a half, and had recently moved into the home we watched be built...so next thing on the list was the baby!  I had always had a really irregular period, so I used Clomid to help me get pregnant.  It only took 2 tries :)  There was some uncertainty that it had worked at first, but that is a story (blog post) for another day.  I had a pretty easy pregnancy: no vomiting (some nausea, but only for about an hour a day for one week), no stretch marks, no complications, was "all belly" up until the last month...but I had terrible skin for the first trimester, and worst of all: I got the dreaded "mask of pregnancy" (cloasma/melasma) towards the end (this is also fodder for another post).  I had a bit of spotting during the first month, so the doctor advised me to take a few weeks off of running and pilates - and I decided to be extra cautious (read: lazy) and just quit altogether.  I gained 37-42lbs (a range because I wasn't entirely sure how much I weighed pre-pregnancy), went 2 days overdue, and had my water broken to induce labour because my blood pressure had gotten dangerously high.  Will discuss at another time, but had a relatively easy, midwife-at-hospital labour that ended at 12:04am on July 3rd, 2009.  Welcome Baby Avery!

Would love to hear your conception or pregnancy stories here...

Finally!

I've been thinking and casually talking about starting a blog for over a year now...  Today, another mom-friend of mine made her status on facebook that she had "started writing", and her ambition reminded me that I had a bit of my own. 

I am not your traditional Supermom by any means - motherhood did not come as naturally to me as I imagined it would.  I hated the first few months of motherhood, and often felt as though I wouldn't survive (looking back, this may have been due to undiagnosed Post-Partum Depression - but more on that later) - and these feelings made me think there must be something wrong with me, I must not be a good mother.  But what I have realized is that I'm pretty great!  I just took a different path and had some challenges to overcome that many women don't.  In my early-motherhood desperation, however, I endlessly combed websites, message boards, chatrooms, etcetera - looking for someone - ANYONE - who felt like I did!  And I was largely unsuccessful. 

But I know there are others like me, and so I feel that there is a need for something like what I want this blog to become: a blog about mommihood, for mommies for whom mommihood did not come naturally.

Le voila.