My aesthetician told me a great joke today, while ripping hair off of my labia... What's the difference between toddlers and terrorists? You can negotiate with terrorists! HAHAHAHAHA. This totally applies to my own 2 year old, anyhow. My son is the most adorable little angel. A lot of the time. But he is also the Devil incarnate quite frequently, too. There is no in between: one extreme or the other, and he swaps between the two with lightening speed and lethal force.
Here are some of his angelic behaviours of late:
We had been planning on making a serious potty training effort over the Christmas holidays, just because I am off for two weeks, so have a greater opportunity to be consistent with him. But he had other plans! A couple weeks ago, on a Sunday, I was getting him dressed on the morning, and he simply said, "No diapey. Just underwear." I was nervous, but had heard that it's important for kids to be on board, so I thought, if it's HIS suggestion...and we went with it! We had a playdate that morning at Jungle Jam, which was less than ideal, but he was great! We packed a change of pants and underwear, and covered the carseat with a towel, made sure he peed just before we left, and then spent the rest of the day asking him if he had to pee every 5 minutes. He always replied "no", but every 45 minutes or so, we just took him to the bathroom anyway, and he went! NO ACCIDENTS!!! We still put a diaper on him for nap and nighttime, because he still often wakes up wet. My thought is that unconscious potty bladder control is actually a separate issue from potty training, and eventually, he will just start waking up dry, and then we will stop with the diapers for sleep. There have been a few accidents, but for the most part, he's made amazing progress. He has started actually telling me when he has to go. Getting him to pee in the potty at daycare was another matter. He would pee there for me, but not for his teachers. It took four days, but once he started there, he wouldn't stop :) We used fruit chews (the kind that are actually dried fruit, not fruit flavoured candy) as rewards. We experienced a big regression when he spent 24 hours with his dad :S He would still pee in the potty at home most of the time, but not at all at daycare for 5 whole days! But once he recovered, he managed to maintain his potty-prowess through his next daddy visit, and is a real pro now :) He still refuses to poo in the potty. But luckily, he also refuses to poo in his underwear, so he will suddenly demand a diaper, and then take care of business in it...in the pantry, for some reason :S. I'm not worried. I figure the same thing will happen as happened with peeing: one day he will just tell me he wants to poo in the potty, and we won't look back.
Other angelic behaviours include the singing of Christmas Carols. I particularly like when he sings "Elize Abiba" (Feliz Navidad). Also: freely telling me he loves me - including as I'm just about to leave his room after tucking him in, kissing my belly and talking to the baby, and trying to determine the gender of those around him. This began one day when he was in the bathroom with me, and asked, "Why Mama sit down a do pee pee?" I told him it was because Mommi doesn't have a penis: boys have penises, girls have vaginas. I'm a big proponent of using proper words for parts. But he misunderstood me, and said, "Mama have a Gina Penis." Sounds a bit too much like GIANT penis for my liking, but we'll work on it. It's funny now when he points to people in our company and asks me, "Cindy is a boy? Cindy have a penis?", and so on :D
But one major anti-christ-like behaviour of his swearing. And saying other inappropriate things. I will admit to dropping the occasional F-word or S-word - come on - who doesn't?? So it was inevitable that my little angle would repeat those two once in a while...but SOMEWHERE he has learned to use the, in sentences, and directed at people :S It began almost humourously. I picked him up from his dad's one day and noticed he had a scratch on his nose. I asked him where he got the scratch and he replied, "Um..fucking dumb cat scratched you" (he is working on his pronoun usage, but if you're c aught up on that, I think you're missing my point). Oh my. But kind of funny. I have never liked that cat... :P
You never forget your child's first words, the first time he tells you he loves you...or the first time he says "Fuck you , Mama!" That was lovely. We tried using the booster seat he now believes he is far too mature to need as a time-out chair. He'd sit in it and scream, "FUCK YOU! FUCK YOU, MAMA! FUCK YOU, JUSSIE!". And if we ignored him, he'd say, "I'm saying fuck you!", finally adding in a "This is BULLSHIT!" for good measure. I read somewhere that, for time-outs, your supposed to make the child sit somewhere without contact with you for 1 minute per year of age, so I turned my back on my screaming terrorist for 2 minutes, then went back and remind him he was in the baby chair because he had said bad words, had him apologize to me, then gave him a hug and a kiss and let him out. We had to repeat this procedure up to 20 times an hour at first, and by the end, he'd come up to me, put his hand on my arm and say, very earnestly, "Don't say fuck you." Umm...right. Sigh.
Things got worse when his daycare teacher pulled me aside one day when I came to pick him up, and told me that my little potty mouth had had to have a time out because he had smacked her on the butt and yelled "Tap that ass!" I had to accept the unfortunate truth that his swearing habit was starting to affect him outside our home. Worse still was when he pointed to the TV one evening, on which was a commercial for The Wiggles (adult men who wear bright outfits and sing and dance to children's songs), and exclaimed, "Oh! Fa....(I can't even get myself to finish typing the word. I was appalled)." Wait - was I unclear? He used the most offensive and derogatory term for homosexual I can think of.
Then there was the time in the car, on our way home from a visit with Daddy... I told Avery that I loved him, he said he loved me, too, then we launched into the game we often play: usually, I ask him who else he loves, and he lists off people. But this time he replied, "I love pussy" - [choke - gasp] WHAAT?? "I love pussy," he repeated. "You mean you love kitty cats, " I recovered. "I love fucking dumb cats," he countered. "Let's listen to music," I gave up, quickly switching on the radio. Sigh.
A few nasty emails between his father and I at least resulted in an agreeable disciplinary plan: we decided that ANY reaction was still giving the pint sized terrorist a reaction, and wasn't really helping. So, our newest tactic is to simply ignore him altogether when he swears or says other things that are offensive. It's working. Over Christmas, we had 2 good weeks of very minimal swearing. Then he had a relapse that lasted 2 days, but I think we're back on track... He has added a few new terms to his repertoire, like "douchebag"...and talks about poo a LOT...but still, compared to what we HAVE been dealing with, it's an improvement.
I will leave you with this image. Last weekend, we were snuggling in bed together one early morning, and Avery was being particularly darling, kissing and hugging my now-prominent baby bump. He will now tell people that Mommy has a baby in her belly (a blue baby, but whatever :s), and if you ask him what he's going to do with the baby when it comes out, he says, "Um...hug a baby...kiss a baby...snuggle 'ith a baby..." Very heartwarming. So, we're having this lovely moment, and I ask him if he wants to talk to the baby. He smiles and leans over, speaking directly into my belly button, and in the sweetest voice imaginable, he says..."Fuck you." [forehead slap (mine, not his)]
But Mommy loves you, you little terrorist from Heaven, you... <3
