Cartoon Vaginas

So, you had a baby!  What the eff now??

After the initial elation and hubbub of holding, admiring, feeding, etcetera your new baby subsides a bit, reality returns, bringing with it day-to-day annoyances...like having to pee.

If you had an epidural, you likely also had a catheter.  I was led to believe that this was not optional, but a friend has since told me she had an epidural and NOT a catheter!  The idea is that the pressure of labour can squeeze off your pee exit (may not be the technical medical term), and your bladder could therefore burst - enter catheter, so you don't have to worry about that.  But if it's not too late for you, heed this advice: pee often and pee early in labour; refuse catheter.  I'll tell you why later...

They let you keep the catheter in for some time after labour, but eventually they come and remove it.  I didn't experience any discomfort to speak of with either insertion or removal.  But once it's out, you will inevitably have to pee - at some point, anyway - and the First Pee is almost as scary as its counterpart, First Poo.  I called a nurse to my room because I still had an IV pole and wasn't sure if I was allowed to pee, or how to maneuver to the bathroom with my entourage of medical accessories anyway.  A male nurse came to assist me :s  I'm all for equal opportunity, and don't even insist on a female gynecologist - but when it comes to bodily functions, I still believe that women should maintain an element of mystery to the opposite sex, so was not thrilled to have the male nurse follow me to the bathroom and wait outside the open door (I couldn't fit my IV pole in there, so it had to stay outside and I couldn't close the door all the way).

Anyhow, I eased myself down onto the toilet seat and suddenly heard someone peeing - but it wasn't me, was it?  I mean, I had barely gotten seated, much less given my body the release signal!  I didn't feel myself peeing...so I looked down, and was both shocked and horrified by what i saw!  It was a cartoon vagina!  Almost unrecognizable because it was so swollen, puffy, oddly-coloured, and misshapen, but if you've ever watched animated porn...um...nevermind :s  And wait a minute:  why was it out IN FRONT of me??  That's not where I last left it!  But there it was, and it was mine.

But that wasn't even the worst part of the whole First Pee experience.  Since my visual reconnaissance mission to determine if the peer I heard was actually me failed (due to the cartoon vagina obstruction), I then needed to actually stand up and look int the toilet to see if there was pee.  But realization 1: I wasn't looking at a toilet bowl; someone had put a white plastic basin in there!  And in that basin, I hadn't been peeing; I had been bleeding to death!!!

Knock, knock.  Male nurse (he's still there??): "Were you able to urinate?" (are we seriously going to talk about this??)  Me: "Umm...I don't know...I'm bleeding...a lot..."  He comes in, LOOKS in my basin (OMG :s): "Yep, good job."  Alriiiight...he didn't seem concerned about my excessive blood loss, and while I might not have been dying from that, I was definitely dying of shame, so I waddled my cartoon vagina back to my bed.

This was the first of many alarming peeing experiences.  After that first pee, the nurses armed me with a squirt bottle so that I could shoot my vag with water while I peed, 1. to dilute the pee so it didn't burn my stitched up war wounds, and 2. to clean myself, since wiping when you have stitches down there is a no-go.  But I came to love that bottle.  It was several days before my body actually waited for me to give the okay before releasing pee - but I guess I should consider myself lucky, because I was always at least just barely on the seat; I never had any leakage or more serious incontinence issues.  But it was over a year before the urgency and frequency with which I had to pee returned somewhat to normal.  And this is why I caution you against the catheter: I went to my doctor about my peeing issues, certain I had some sort of infection because needing to pee 12 times a day and throughout the night couldn't be normal, could it?  And she told me that that's common damage after having a catheter.  No one told me!  So I am telling you.

Most of your modesty will have been shredded by now, what by people watching your vagina self-destruct, and listening to you pee (oh, did I mention that, in addition to not being able to feel oneself pee, you also have no warning if you're going to...flatulate, either? - the real windy kind...)...but just in case you had any left, nurses (sometimes male) will come periodically throughout your stay in the hospital to check your stitches, change your hospital-issued panties (a.k.a. diapers), and more of those absorbent pads they will lay beneath you in your bed.  That's right: you're tired, sweaty, bloody, and just generally disgusting, and someone will come and ask you to spread your legs!  Oh, the horror...oh, the shame...

You know what?  I was going to save pooping for another post, but really, after the initial horror that is the reality of your vaginal status is addressed, there's not a lot more to say...so I'll just cover it now.  I don't think a lot of non-mommies knew to fear the first pee, but most can imagine the terror of the first poo, no?  You're sore, you're swollen, you just passed a human being out of your body...granted, that came out a different hole, but still - the hole region is in turmoil.  Add to that, prenatal vitamins and any drugs you may have had intravenously administered to you during your labour can have a constipatory effect...which means you're gonna have to PUSH - again - and it's going to hurt.

So here is what little advice I can offer you:

As I mentioned earlier, I ate frozen berries during labour.  Berries = fibre!  If your labour people really won't let you eat during labour, then start immediately after, and choose fibre-rich foods to make the whole process a bit "softer".  Nurses may offer you a stool softener after labour, which is a good option if you're not into the whole natural-approach thing.

Next, have your trusty squirt bottle ready, with warm water in it (remember, you won't really want to wipe that much...:s  But also have a cloth, soaked with warm water, that you will use to apply counter pressure.  Hold it against your lady parts and stitches.  This works in several ways: 1. it protects the, from anything that might be on its way out (I know, I know: this has been a particularly gross post with all this poop talk :s), 2. the warmth is soothing, 3. the counter pressure reduces your chanced of popping a stitch!  Then squirt, squirt, dab, dab...you get the idea.

Vaginas, cartoon or otherwise, are a complex species, and I have more to say...but I don't want to overwhelm anyone (Stacey?  Crystal?  Are you reading this?), so I'll save that for another day ;)  Plus, I actually have something kind of cute to post in addition to this, so I'll stop here.

Did YOU have a cartoon vagina?  Please share :P