Natural Birth (and other ) B!tches

There are some benefits to choosing natural childbirth, that is for sure.  With my first baby, I wanted to try for a natural birth, but was very clear with my midwife that I reserved the right to have an epidural, should I choose one.  That's because they'd told me in prenatal classes that if you tell your midwife that you want to do it naturally, they will try delay tactics and such if you do then ask for an epidural, thinking they are helping you achieve your real goal of a natural birth.  Nope.  If I wanted that epidural, I wanted that epidural!

And I did.  I went almost all the way without one, but things were getting intense and when the midwife said it would probably "only" be a "couple more hours", I decided that was too much.  As it turned out, we were less than an hour away from my son being born.  Had I known that, I could have lasted without an epidural - but that's the thing: you just don't know.

I do sort of wish I hadn't had the epidural, but not for the purpose of martyrdom or knighthood.  My baby's heart rate started dropping as soon as I'd had it, which was obviously concerning.  With the pain relief, I felt as though I could have just gone to sleep for a bit, and waited to be woken when it was time to push.  But given the baby's distress, that was not to be: the next half hour or so was spent rolling me around into various positions to try to alleviate the stress he was feeling and increase his heart rate.  They called a respiratory therapist, who snatched the baby away as soon as he was out of me.  It was only for a moment; as it turned out, my little guy was perfectly fine and it was only a precautionary measure (point in favour of having a hospital birth, even though I had a midwife), but it was understandably alarming!  Perhaps the decreased heart rate was coincidental and had more to do with the compression on the baby as he moved through the birth canal, but lowered heart rate is one of the risks of having an epidural.  The other reason I somewhat regret it is, when you have an epidural, you usually have to also have a catheter to let your pee come out.  That in itself was nothing, but the catheter damaged my urethra, and I had urgent pee sensations for almost a year afterwards.  I have one friend who is sure she did not have a catheter when she had her epidural, but my midwife has assured my you need one, so I dunno.

For those reasons, I may try natural childbirth again this time around.  Also, my midwife is sure this labour will be very short (she's estimating 3 and a half hours), and I may not have time to have an epidural anyway :s  A short labour sounds good; not having at least the choice of an epidural does not.  But then again, there's no way of ever knowing how long these things will take.  Second labours are usually considerably shorter (my midwife says half the time) than first, some are significantly longer, some have complications, etcetera...  If I could be guaranteed a 3 hour labour, I'd commit to no drugs.  But as of right now, I'm not signing anything :P

I guess mommis have to make their own decisions, and also have an idea of WHY they are making them.  Personally, I dabble in things natural - but like a mixture of modern comforts, as well ;)  I have had horses, and been involved with breeding and birthing them, and I sort of figure: they do it naturally all the time, so why shouldn't I?  But I had no reason for being opposed to using drugs for pain relief, either.

This is what bothers me: mommis who think they deserve some sort of badge of honour or are superior to others for delivering their babies without epidurals.  It's not a measure of strength or valour, ladies - it's just a personal choice.  You are not a better person or mom for delivering your child naturally, nor are you smarter or better for choosing the relief modern medicine can offer.  It is what it is.  So get off your high horses and stop looking down on those of us who want an epidural!  To be fair, I should admonish the epidural-users who call natural childbirthers crazy - I have heard from a few of those, too.  I thought I was done this particular rant, but I have one other thing to add: worse than the mommis who chose natural childbirth acting like bitches are the mommis who didn't have epidurals simply because they didn't have time to acting all superior!  If the latter is you, you are not only a Natural Birth Bitch, you are also a Short Labour Bitch (see next paragraph).

Similarly, mommis will brag about the short duration of their labours.  I fully understand them being pleased if their labours were quick!  God, who wants to suffer for any longer than necessary?!  But if you are lucky enough to have a quick and easy delivery, free of complications or baby concerns, let's call a duck a duck: you got lucky!  Everyone will be jealous, but don't act like you earned it or anything.  Just count your blessings and move along :P

Another pet peeve of mine is when mommis are proud of the fact that they didn't tear or have episiotomies or anything.  Again, I'm envious of your recovery - I tore up the front and had a bilateral episiotomy (that means they cut me in two places) at the back, required many stitches, and suffered quite a bit while that all healed afterwards :s  But if you had a better experience, all you're really saying is you've got a big vagina - or rather, a stretchy one - and more accurately, a stretchy perineum!  Um, congratulations??

If you believe you are demi-goddesses because of the aforementioned reasons, then you must surely look down on women who don't have vaginal deliveries at all, right??  So my final point is: most women do not opt for c-sections, but rather, have them for medical reasons beyond their control.  This does not make them lower or lesser in any way.  'Nough said.

Bottom line, mommis?  Labour sucks, but we all get babies out of it - so stop judging others for their personal choices, whatever they may be (unless, of course, they are baseless, senseless, or harmful).  Want to share your labour experiences and reasons for why you chose to have or not have medical pain relief?