"A tradition is a belief or behavior passed down within a group or society with symbolic meaning or special significance with origins in the past...Traditions can persist and evolve for thousands of years—the word "tradition" itself derives from the Latin tradere or traderer literally meaning to transmit, to hand over, to give for safekeeping...A number of factors can exacerbate the loss of tradition...In response to this, tradition-preservation attempts have now been started in many countries around the world...Tradition is usually contrasted with the goal of modernity" (wikipedia).
Consider me, then, a Tradition-Preservation Society of one.
Here is a bit of background: My mother once said she had two only-children. I have a brother - technically a half-brother, from my dad's previous marriage - but I can picture my dad rolling over in his grave right now, because in life, he'd become furious if I ever referred to him as my half brother. My brother lived with my dad (his biological father, as well as mine) and mom (his stepmother), in the same house I was raised in, with the same rules, etcetera - but because of the 12-year age difference between us, we didn't really have a typical sibling relationship, and it would be a bit deceiving to say we were raised "together". My cousins on my dad's side of the family were the same age as my brother, so considerably older than me, as well. My cousins on my mom's side of the family were closer in age to me, but were also significantly closer to their cousins on the other side of their family, so placed higher priority on functions and occasions celebrated with them, than with my family. All of this is natural, to be expected, and understandable - but the cumulative effect is that I didn't form close relationships with any of my extended family members.
The age difference that plagued my childhood and disabled close familial relationships, now, threatens to have the same effect on my own children - and I desperately want to prevent that. My kids don't have any relatives close in age to them. Because of my own situation growing up, I know that this arrangement doesn't naturally lead to forming close relationships - they have to be worked at. I want my children to have a different experience; I want them to have many close relationships among members of their extended family, and I know that a real effort is going to have to be made to facilitate that.
Avery and Ashton love spending time with people they feel comfortable with - but that feeling of ease only comes with time - time spent TOGETHER with other family members. I know it isn't evident in Ashton yet at less than a year old, but it is in Avery, and Ashton won't be far behind. They don't care about who bought them the coolest present or brought them the best treat that one time they came by last month; they care about who got down on the floor and played cars with them, or took them to the park, or had a tickle fight with them, and who they see on a regular basis.
I thought that a good way to facilitate opportunities for our extended family members to do these things with the kids would be to bring back the Sunday Family Dinner. The bonus, for attendees (in addition to the lifelong relationship with and adoration of our children ;)) would be a delicious (most of the time), home-cooked (most of the time) meal! :) It's not all about the kids, of course - Justin and I want to see our extended family, too! They're our family, we love them, and we want to see them - ALL of them! :)
But sadly...there will not be a Family Dinner this Sunday. Well, there will be - but only our immediate family will be there, because no one RSVPed "yes" this week. In fact, hardly anyone bothered to RSVP at all. Although we've had several successful dinners, with some family members in attendance, My Sunday Family Dinner initiative, on the whole, has been rather poorly received and attended :( Not only that, but attendance at Holiday Family Dinners has been dwindling, as well :( :(
This is very disappointing and discouraging, because spending time with our extended family is important to us. When people don't even bother to acknowledge the invitation, or don't prioritize getting together with us, or break commitments they have made to us, it is hurtful. I haven't known what to do about it. It makes me sad, then it makes me mad, then it makes me perplexed. Constant rejection is hard to endure. My instinct is to just stop trying - but my dad wouldn't have liked that - and then no one, including my children, benefits at all :( I don't think I could stop trying in good conscience, unless I have given it everything I've got. Maybe if everyone understood where I'm coming from, why traditions and family functions are so important to me, and just how important all of them are to my little immediate family (even if they boys don't realize it yet)...it would make a difference.
I know it's not always convenient - it's a long drive, it interferes with work, there's something more exciting to do, it's more effort than simply staying at home - and I realize that my immediate family is quite inflexible about the times at which we can be available and places we can meet at, due to the kids' schedules (and yes, to me being a Sleep Nazi). But this stability and regularity is only for the first few years, and I feel it is more reasonable to ask adults to be flexible and make small sacrifices, than children and infants. Sharing time together and creating lasting family traditions is important! And, in my opinion anyway, worth the inconvenience.
We want to see all of our extended family members at birthdays, Thanksgiving, Christmas, and Easter, for sure! And, in the interest of trying to make things as feasible as possible for everyone, we have chosen unpopular days on which to celebrate: Thanksgiving and Easter are always celebrated in our home on the Saturdays of the holiday weekends, and Christmas dinner is always held on Christmas Eve day. But, really, a few times a year is not enough to build lasting bonds with children. They need to see their family more than that.
I don't know what other families do as far as traditions go, or when they might have family gatherings for no reason at all. But whatever the arrangement, if you have mini humans in your life in one capacity or another, I hope you'll think about my little diatribe here, think about what's important in your life, too...consider committing to the odd Family Dinner and other occasions :)
I 100% agree! I grew up with lots of family, coming from divorced parents, but we always had sunday dinners together. Always. Whether it involved extended family or not, it was a home cooked meal and it was mandatory. Keep trying Ash. It will be worth it in the end. Even if it's a tradition that your family keeps. They boys will thank you for it.
ReplyDeleteNow the etiquette of not responding to RSVPs is beyond me. I am not sure how people can ignore and invite. At least acknowledge it with, " I will get back to you", instead of completely ignoring! I find that we are so inundated with Facebook invites, which are not always sincere invites, people find it acceptable to just ignore. I, my friend, am not one of those friends. People need to learn it's rude. Back in the day, you would pick up the phone and invite people over. They couldn't ignore you, so perhaps that is where the tradition got lost... technology has allowed us to care less and be less involved in each other's lives because we watch it unfold on Facebook. It's sad. I totally agree.
Oh, and PS. - I will come over for Sunday night family dinner any time :)
ReplyDeleteKrista, we are cut from the same cloth in that regard :) I also agree with you on the electronic invite thing, howEVER, my particular situation has some roadblocks (see reply to *cough cough* "Anonymous") ;) Yes to dinner! We need to reschedule the last one ASAP :) xoxo (for real :P)
DeleteAgree family dinners are a nice tradition! However if you would like your family to show up so your kids can form relationships with them you need to ask yourself a few questions. How do YOU treat them when they are at your house? Do YOU ever go to visit your family outside of these dinners? If your brother has children how do YOU treat them, are you a good Aunt to them? Have you or do you comprise for others? The blame for your failed family suppers cannot be all put on your extended family. There has to be comprise from EVERYONE!
ReplyDeleteAs for your brother and you being treated equally growing up well you are delusional if you actually believe that. If you two shared the same mother yes would have been equal. As coming from similar situation regarding 1/2 siblings the biological children of the mother always get treated better. The step children to her are ONLY step children, so will be under different rules.
Lastly, as for people replying to your invites. I know it is a very tech world however phone calls would be far better way to invite & reply. That would actually show that you want some family contact, not so cold of an approach. As well personally I think invites via text, facebook etc. is very immature.
Dear "Anonymous",
DeleteThis is a long one, so will require multiple replies...I hope they post in order.
Thank you for your interest in my blog! I appreciate all comments - even critical ones. I'm not sure if your questions were rhetorical or not, but I'm going to go ahead and address them, as well as your comments.
1. "How do YOU treat them when they are at your house?" - I treat them like family; I welcome them, cater to them, and ask questions to facilitate conversation.
2. "Do YOU ever go to visit your family outside of these dinners?" - I am rarely invited, but the rare times that I am, I always attend, or if I can't, I make other arrangements to visit before or after.
3. "If your brother has children how do YOU treat them, are you a good Aunt to them?" - My nephews are teenagers, so our interaction is different now, but when they were younger, I played with them, babysat them, and took them out to different activities - maybe not as often as I should have, but I was young then, too, so didn't have the resources to do much more. Now, I make a point of conversing with them, asking about school and their interests, trying to choose gifts I think they'll like, and helping them out with school matters when I can.
4. "Have you or do you comprise for others?" - Compromise? Absolutely. I'm pretty rigid about my kids' schedules, but I have made exceptions for important holidays, and, as I said in my response to #2, if the timelines or location haven't been manageable for my family, I've always made the effort to make alternate arrangements, so that we still see our family and celebrate things in their lives.
5. "As for your brother and you being treated equally growing up well you are delusional if you actually believe that. If you two shared the same mother yes would have been equal. As coming from similar situation regarding 1/2 siblings the biological children of the mother always get treated better. The step children to her are ONLY step children, so will be under different rules." - I'm sorry if you've had an inequitable relationship with your siblings or parents. My parents were both very committed to making sure both of their children were treated exactly equally - sometimes to a fault, in my opinion! Even after my dad's passing, my mother goes out of her way to honour that commitment and maintain as close and loving a relationship with my brother and his family as they will allow. My husband also has a half-sibling, and has experience with step parents, and would wholeheartedly agree with me that things, in fact, CAN be equal. I see it for myself everyday, as he loves both our sons unconditionally and immeasurably. I have no question that he loves and treats them equally, and that they will grow up feeling that way. So...gonna have to disagree with you there ;)
6. "Phone calls would be far better way to invite & reply. That would actually show that you want some family contact, not so cold of an approach. As well personally I think invites via text, facebook etc. is very immature." - I totally agree that invitations by phone would be better. Few hindrances, though...(a) Several members of my extended family have opted to not have landlines, and rely solely on their cell phones for communication AND have told me they prefer to communicate by text or facebook so they "don't waste their minutes" or to avoid cellular long distance charges :s (b) One such member of my family ignored my request for her phone number 3 times...so I stopped asking. (c) That same family member once ignored an electronic invitation to my wedding, stating that she would not reply unless there was a formal invitation. The electronic invite was really just a heads up to see who was interested in attending the wedding, as it was a destination one - but when the *formal, printed, hand-addressed, snail-mailed invitations* went out, she STILL didn't bother to respond! (Nor did she wish us well or send congratulations after the fact, but that is another story altogether...) My point is common courtesy and etiquette evade some people, despite the mode of invitation. Anyhow, I don't think I'd call electronic communications "immature", but definitely less personal. Still, I'd take an electronic invitation over NO invitation any day, and I don't see anyone else making an effort to get the family together by any means.
DeleteI think I've covered it all...anything I left out?
P.S. My mom told me she forwarded you this blog post, thereby ruining your "Anonymous" guise - OOPS! ;) Enjoy your mashed potatoes.
xoxo
What?
ReplyDelete