I've been meaning to write another post for a few weeks now - the big post - the one on sleep: sleeplessness, sleep deprivation, sleep issues... But it's summer holidays, and I've been busy taking my son on little excursions, having playdates, walks, lots of fun. Sounds relaxing, huh? Except I'm stressed beyond belief because my days have been starting at 5:30am all of a sudden, and I've been dealing with the very issues that almost drove me mad within the first few months of mommihood. You know what? I'm in such a bad mood (place!), I had to force myself to be cutesy and say mommihood (which I'm only doing for literary consistency).
Sleep, sleep...wherefore art thou, sleep? Any non-parents, as well as any mommi (or daddy (in this mood, there's not a chance I'm going to write daddi) who had an easy-sleeping baby will not understand any of my sleep-related posts. We've all had a few rough nights, right? But the sleep deprivation experienced with a newborn is nothing like those rough mornings after a wild kegger back in college (or, for many of you baby-free people, last night). Once you've had a child, there IS no "sleeping in" - ever. Well, there is, but the term takes on a whole new meaning. Sleeping in, to me, sleeping in is now anything past 7am. 7:30 is a luxury I dream not of. This morning, I would have been elated with 6.
My now-two-year-old has recently decided to wake at 5:30am every morning, regardless of when he goes to bed. He's also decided to refuse the nap I've come to depend on (yes, I, not he) every other day. The inconsistency, coupled with sleep deprivation, honestly makes me insane. Which takes me right back to the beginning, and why I wanted to write this blog in the first place...
That whole "sleeping like a baby" thing? Utter crap. Lies! I HOPE you never sleep like a baby! At least not like my baby. My kid never slept.
For months, I swear he never slept more than 3 hours at a time - and that was at night; more often he'd sleep for an hour and a half. Throughout the day, it was never more than 45 minutes - but usually more like 15-20. The only time he'd sleep longer than that was when in motion (so, in the stroller or in the car - that swing business never worked for us), which would infuriate me, because I desperately needed the sleep, too, and I obviously couldn't sleep while driving or walking.
He'd also take "boob naps", where he'd fall asleep nursing. If the kid is hungry, I'm going to feed him...but some babies nurse for comfort (well, I guess they all do to start), and THAT gets annoying - especially for mommies like me, who never liked the breastfeeding. So, he'd be eating, but would fall asleep and stop suckling...so I'd try to de-latch him...but he'd do a quick, insistent suck, pretending he was still eating...fall asleep...repeat. He was perfectly content, but I was not.
After a few months, he did start sleeping longer stretches at night, but there was always an hour plus in between those stretches. He was never a nurse and go back to sleep kind of baby. It was always a long, involved process to get him back to sleep, regardless of time of day.
He was never content just sitting with me, awake. If he fell asleep on me, I could sit, and he'd stay sleeping. But I couldn't sit or rock with him and expect him to stay content or fall asleep. We had to be in motion: walking, swaying, bouncing - ALL THE TIME. On the upside, I lost all my baby weight (plus another 15lbs) really quickly. People would ask me how I did it, was I working out, etcetera...? Um, no: I was walking and bouncing 20 hours a day, lifting 10-30lbs (baby plus ridiculous infant carrier) for the duration of those 20 hours, not sleeping, and not having time to eat - there's my secret! But I don't recommend it :s
People tell you: "sleep when the baby sleeps" - but what if yours just doesn't?? The only thing worse than no nap is a failed nap attempt - to try to sleep, only to be woken just before you get there, or just after.
Did I mention that my son's "nights" didn't start until 1am or so? Before that, he wouldn't sleep any more than 45 minutes, daytime nap-style, so I didn't bother trying to actually go to bed before then anyway. And mornings started anytime after 5am. It made for extremely long days!
Baby Blues, thanks to the hormonal flux after childbirth, coupled with this sleeplessness, plus just all the new-found stresses of being a mommi made a very bad combo. I was miserable. It got to the point where I couldn't enjoy anything. If someone came to visit me, that would inevitably be the one time my son decided to have a longer than 20 minutes nap, and I'd spend the visit thinking bitterly about the sleep I was missing out on, instead of enjoying the company. I became unable to make decisions. I actually remember my mom coming over and sitting on the front porch with me, offering to watch the baby for me so I could sleep...but I needed to go grocery shopping, and do laundry, and sweep the floors...and I honestly could not decide where to start. And I was aware of it. I said to her, "Can you just tell me what I'm going to do? Because I can't decide; I can't think straight; I just can't do it." To anyone who hasn't experienced this, I'm sure I'm not conveying the desperation I experienced. But I'm tearing up just writing about it, remembering.
My desperation got so bad, I found myself approaching random strangers at WalMart, searching for someone who might have felt the same way I did. Okay, I didn't do the approaching...but randoms approach YOU when you're out with a new baby. And if anyone of them asked me how I was or whether he was a "good" baby (which has always annoyed me - I mean, he was a terrible SLEEPER, not a bad BABY!), I would attack! - telling them how tired and defeated I felt, asking them if their babies had slept well, hoping for a no and for some secret to surviving it.
I didn't stop at WalMart for my support group of random strangers, either...I started trolling online message boards for tired parents. I found some, but it wasn't enough - online strangers didn't do it for me. But ONLINE did. I found a few supporters that I actually knew, and kept in touch with them via various electronic mediums. My Blackberry smartphone became my lifeline. I was so lonely in my desperation that I needed that contact, that validation, that "feel good" at all hours of the day. This was good and bad and lent itself to both helpful and unhealthy interactions that I won't expand on here. Still, for better or worse, contact with supportive people got me through some really dark times.
Why did I feel so alone? I had a husband, I had my baby, I had a lot of help from my mom, and a little from my friends (friend-loss after mommihood is fodder for another post)... But no one else was actually experiencing the life-change and sleeplessness and hormonal flux I was; no one really understood, just as many followers of this blog will not understand it either. People kept saying, "Enjoy this time while it lasts - they're little for such a short time" - but I was NOT enjoying it, and I felt like a terrible failure because of that. Don't misunderstand me: I always loved my child - more than anything I'd ever felt before. My sleep deprivation-driven desperation never interfered with my ability to care for him, to be sweet to him, to put him first. But I knew that the sleep-obsessed crazy wasn't how mommies were supposed to feel! I knew I was boring my non-mommi friends with my constant talk of sleep. I've mentioned my marital breakdown several times before this, so you can imagine I wasn't getting much support from that avenue (I credit the lack of support in parenthood as a major factor in our demise, actually, but in fairness, I know that the stranger-approaching, sleep-obsessed, miserable me wasn't easy to deal with either :s).
The sleep thing did get easier. My son started sleeping through the night (after extensive sleep training - again, another post). But before that, something else helped: I found a few friends (real-life, real-time friends!) who DID get it, who HAD experienced it...and that made a huge difference in my life. I just wanted to know that I wasn't alone in the battle against sleeplessness, that my baby wasn't the only one who did not "sleep like a baby", and that I wasn't a horrible failure at mommihood because I didn't enjoy every aspect of it.
So, THANK YOU Lindsay and Kara, who lived it with me (Lindsay with a similarly sleep-challenged baby, and Kara, who became my Sleep Coach/Guru). Thank you to Karen and Tara, who didn't have the same experience, but who listened without complaint anyway. To Cassandra and Krista and Vendy, who became baby-friends (friends who evolved their friendships with me to accommodate my new lifestyle). To so many people who made a big difference through little acts of kindness; I'm sorry that I'm not mentioning you all individually, but I love you just as much!
Enough mush. I'm tired, and that's not my style anyway. Here is my point: if you don't feel like you think mommies are supposed to feel, it's okay, and you're not alone. I'm writing this blog to share that.
Some babies are shitty sleepers. I have one of them. And it sucks. And it gets better, but then it gets worse again! Everything is a phase (unfortunately the good things, too). But even those sleep-challenged babies are worth every sleepless moment :) That won't stop me from complaining about it, though!
More to come. Probably at 5:30am tomorrow morning :s
I'd love it if followers would actually comment and commiserate, but you seem to prefer to message me privately on facebook instead. That's cool - the sleepless are a secret-sect...but I know you're out there!!!
6 hours till naptime...
Ok someone need to tell Avery that this 5:30am business is just ridiculous. Will he watch tv? Is he content to just play in your bed or room, independently. When my kids wake early I try to ignore them and that usually buys me a bit more time. Maybe leave some fun toys in his room and hopefully he will want to stay in there with them?
ReplyDeleteI remember what you went through when Avery was born and it is a shame that more people won't tell you how difficult it was for them. It's always hard when you have a baby, I don't care if you are Michelle dug gar and have 19, or you with 1-it is never an easy adjustment. I know that what you went through was extremely difficult, and I remember you also not being able to make any decisions because you were so tired. Hopefully your next baby will be a better sleeper. If he/she is not, I'm sure that because it will be your second, you will be more relaxed and more experienced, and even a difficult sleeper will be easier to handle. :). And a husband who isn't a douche should also make it easier. ;)
So honest and very real, it brought back many, many memories and every thing you wrote I know I felt many, many times. Any mom reading this, especially a new mom, will find great comfort in the things you shared! Even the way your son was at the beginning is similar to our Ally. She definitely would not be put on a schedule!! Thanks!
ReplyDeleteFalco - THANK YOU! I'm assuming it was you who DID tell Avery? Regardless, he realized the error of his ways (for now:s), and has selected a more civilized wake time this week ;) Thanks for the suggestions. I either did try or was about to try all of your suggestions, but I think what finally worked was just being consistent and sticking to the schedule he was used to, allowing him to get caught up on sleep so overtiredness didn't cause early mornings anymore. Rough couple of days, though, so thanks for the support!
ReplyDeleteP.S. Michelle Duggar actually has it EASIER at this point, though, because she's got about 10 kids who are old enough to act as live-in nannies :P Plus, I read somewhere that she has just had a slide installed for deliveries :o
Rachel - Thank you :) I totally agree that sharing can be a comfort in itself, and in fact, YOU were very helpful to me during that time, when I was nervous about letting Avery cry and trying to regulate naps...it's helpful to know what others have tried and that their kids have turned out just fine and don't love their parents any less! :)
ReplyDeleteI have a 18 month old child of my own and know all about the lack of sleep. I do relate. I was married for 5 years but he recently left me for another women. I manage everything on my own. My husband (at the time)worked really hard everyday and when he came home he didn't complain...so why should I? I remember times of the baby waking in the middle of the night and 99% of the time it was me getting up to get him back to sleep. I dont know if it was because he didn't hear him crying, or maybe he didn't want to deal with it, or maybe because as the mother of this cute little guy, I can almost hear him breathing from down the hall. That's the beauty of being a mother.
ReplyDeleteYou're right though, it was hard times, but I knew what I was up against and I was the captain in charge of this ship. Sometimes, we as women need to take charge of the situation.
But after stubbling across this blog, I must say you are one selfish and self centred individual.
Me Me Me...Really? What did you think was going to happen when you had a baby....Suck it up! Sorry sweetheart but It's not all about you. You have a child to stand up and take care of. Maybe you had postpartum depression.
My ex worked all the time and he really wasn't involved until the weekends, or even worse was when he was away on business trips for an entire week, which was similiar with other moms I knew. But i dealt with it and it was part of the life of building a family.
But I think it's just another excuse for someone like you to be lazy and blame the people around you instead of taking charge yourself.
I'm assuming you were on Mat leave? Why do you think you are on PAID mat leave? Because it's YOUR job and responsibilty to take care of the child and the home.
Next....Let's talk about how you complain having visitors over when you could be sleeping but at "all hours of the day" you are online talking to strangers, when you could be sleeping??? You said it "Unhealthy Interactions" I think everybody knows what that means. You have been unfaithful to your husband. Which I think is the most disgusting, selfish, devious thing any wife/husband could do. Why don't you just rip his heart out and stomp on it while you're at it.
I really can't explain how angry your post makes me. Sounds like you were/are not ready to be a Mom. You have alot of growing up to do and why don't you start by putting your child's needs first. I really hope the father of your child has alot of time spent with him because I think he would be a better role model then you. I have never seen so much whinning and complaining in my life. Actually you sound a little nuts to me!!! Stand up and be a MOM to your son. Enjoy him while you can because your son will figure you out someday. Good luck to your lover...he's in for a treat. Most of all I pray for your son cause I think he got the raw end of the deal. Good luck Avery! Your gonna need it!
Oh my, Anonymous - I'm very sorry you've been through a rough time in your personal life! I can almost understand why you might make the assumptions about and cast the judgement on me that you have. I'm very glad that you were able to manage the challenges of parenthood better than I was at that time. We should all have such strength and wherewithal! Good for you and thanks for sharing :)
ReplyDeleteI get it! The fairytale stories of Mommihood are all fictitious! I mean, there are some amazingly wonderful moments, but there are some dark lonely moments too...and I am lucky enough to have a wonderfully supportive husband. Thank you for sharing your honest memories/realities! We've all experienced some or all of that at one point...some just choose not to share!
ReplyDeleteAs for Anonymous, I see why he left you! You sound like such a peach to live with! :/
KF from LP :)
I teared up reading this, as it mirrors my early days with #1. It was horrible. I was diagnosed with Post-Partum Depression, and now they have a new term, too - something like post-partum anxiety disorder which more closely resembles what I went through. They always say it's the hormones, but it's the sleep-dep that causes it I'm 99% sure! It sounds, in my very nonprofessional opinion that yes, you had something diagnosable. I had those exact same feelings. My second is blessedly a *much* better sleeper, and sure enough, no PPD.
ReplyDeleteI feel badly for Anonymous that she feels so alone in raising her child. PPD and the feelings that go with it are NOT selfish. And the assumptions about your online activities? As if in the state you were in an affair was what you were thinking about?? Unlikely. PPD is one of those things that unless you've experienced it, you simply don't know how it is. I think your response was really kind to her, and reminds me to bite my toungue & not judge now, myself.