BYOBoobs

One of the perks of pregnancy - and later, breastfeeding - is bigger boobs.  Or so many people think.  I can't count the number of prospective daddies I've heard express their fondness for their baby mamas' baby boobs.  Gross.  But true.

Once upon a time, I had looked forward to nice, big, baby boobs, too.  That was before I had a boob job.  Now, I'm not reliant on lactation to pump mine up, so it wasn't such a big deal.  What's that?? you ask - Fake boobs??  Yes.  It's true - they're fake (and they're fabulous) ;).  It's never been a secret.  But learning that my boobs are fake often prompts several questions, so here are the answers:

Can you breastfeed with breast implants?  I could!  It was a consideration of mine when I was making the decision to get them, and my surgeon told me that 80% of women with breast implants are still able to breastfeed - which I think is pretty good, considering not 100% of women are ale to breastfeed successfully or adequately anyway.  I was in the 80% majority, and breastfed my baby without any problems.

Does breastfeeding still wreck your boobs if they're fake?  Um, yes :(  Maybe this isn't true for all women, but many women experience sagging, stretchmarks, deflation, etcetera after breastfeeding, and I can tell you, gravity affects fake boobies, too.  They're still "good" - probably better than most people's real boobs (yes, I am being conceited here, but if you paid as much for your boobs as I did mine, you'd be conceited, too)...but they used to be "perfect". I have a few faint stretch marks, and they're just generally softer - and not in a good way.  I should add this disclaimer, though: maybe it's not the breastfeeding that wrecks boobs...maybe it's just the enlargement from filling up with milk, whether you decide to use it or not - I dunno - not a doctor, just a mommi...who once had amazing boobs...sigh.

If natural boobs get bigger with lactation, what happens to fake ones?  Oh, man...let me tell you.  Before baby, I was a 32 large C/small D (depending on bra brand).  I didn't notice a huge increase while pregnant - I did have breast tenderness - A LOT of breast (particularly nipple) tenderness), which suggests that something was happening, but I wore my regular bras throughout my pregnancy (plus some lovely nighttime bras, because they hurt so much). AND THEN... it must have happened during labour or something...but I became a 32G. 

!!! G !!!

It was insane.  It was gross.  They were massive.  I don't even know how I stayed upright.  They were shiny and veiny...however, they also defied gravity, and stayed up - I could even wear a strapless bra.  Friends got endless amusement from observing the resulting size difference when I had fed my baby on one side and not the other, or from watching my boobs go from fitting in a dress or bikini top, to overflowing it.  Haha, funny funny - just not for me :s

I had to pump.  I wanted to pump in order to get a store of milk going so that I might one day venture out into the world solo, leaving breastmilk behind for my baby - but I also had to, because they'd get so painfully large that I'm sure I might have otherwise exploded. I have fond memories of using a hand pump in the front seat of a pick up truck on the way home from a concert - the first time I had spent 6 hours away from my baby since his birth.

Pumping sucked.  I felt like a cow.  It was time consuming, inconvenient, and embarrassing.  It was often painful - probably because I set my machine to too hard and fast, in the interest of saving time.  The worst part was the time it took to clean all the parts after pumping.  I got no help with that.  In fact, my then-husband was quite disgusted by my boobs, and all things milk-related.  This was a disappointment.  Several friends' husbands had gushed fondly in reminiscence of their wives' baby boobs...not mine.  This made the whole breastfeeding and pumping thing lonely and isolating, because I felt I had to do it in private.  I got over that soon enough, though, and just ignored the grossed out looks - because it was just too much work to go elsewhere or try to cover myself while both hands were occupied holding suction cups on my boobs!  I didn't like looking down while pumping, either - those cups really shouldn't be transparent :s  They distort your nipples into unrecognizable objects.  Super gross.  But I can tell you with confidence: they DO go back to normal(ish).  Eventually.  I've complained about how time consuming pumping is, so just imagine how devastating it was to once night leave the freezer door ajar, ruining a month's worth of frozen breast milk!  Gah, I don't even want to think about it...tragic, just tragic...  Before I move on from this particular topic, I need to add two things: 1. I rented a hospital grade breast pump from a drug store, and would recommend that to anyone - it just gets the job done faster - and believe me, faster will become very important to you!  2. Sorry again, Krista, for that particularly scarring incident involving me as a cow and you as an unassuming, accidental witness :s

You know what else sucked?  Breastfeeding!  Now hear me out, breastfeeding enthusiasts...wait for it...  Breastfeeding hurt.  The first few days, when my milk was coming in, were excruciating.  There were times when I literally had to count to 10 until the pain dulled so as not to hurl my child across the room.  Even once we got good at it and my supply was well-established, breastfeeding still hurt.  It never got comfortable for me.  My son was a vigorous, frequent nurser.  Before he got teeth, his gums were all hard and he would BITE down hard enough to actually make me scream in pain.  But I had committed to doing it for 3 months.  and then 3 months came, and something weird happened: I was reluctant to quit!  I still didn't like it.  And I coudlnt' pinpoint where the reluctance stemmed from.  But I stuck with it.  I started reducing the number of feedings I offered per day (replacing them with a bottle of formula) at 4 months, and completely quit by 5 months - primarily due to the emergence of little fangs.  Breastfeeding was a huge commitment, and I was somewhat jealous of my bottle-feeding friends, whose husbands were able to partake in the feedings, allowing the mommies to get a little more sleep (somewhat = insanely).  BUT...there were also many pluses.  Breastfeeding was easy and convenient.  I didn't have to prepare and wash bottles, worry about the temperature said bottles would be stored at, risk running out of bottles while on an outing, etcetera.  In fact, I once managed to lock myself and my baby out of the house while my then-husband was out, too, and was deeply relieved to realize that, while a change of diaper would be nice, I actually had everything we NEEDED - my boobs!

I am pretty sure that a breastfeeding advocate follower will comment with the innumerable benefits of breastfeeding for both mother and baby - and I believe in all of those reasons, too, and actually did do my reading and research on the topic, making an informed and educated decision to breastfeed.  I both invite and welcome such comments - as well as those from those parents who chose formula over breastmilk, because, if there is one thing I've learned about parenting, it's that a mommi has to figure out what works for her and her baby, and do it - right to choose, and all that.  But in my opinion, the most convincing piece of evidence to support breastfeeding, which is the reason I will do it again, should the occasion arise (I mean if I have another baby, you freaks!), is simply this: my son is healthy.  In fact, he's the healthiest baby I know.  By the time he got his first cold, my friends babies of similar age had been sick 6+ times.  He's only required medication once, for his one and only ear infection.  He's never had a stomach bug or digestive trouble.  He's big, and smart, and healthy, and beautiful - and I attribute much of that to my choice to breastfeed him (despite the fact that I will now require another boob job to revive The Girls - once I am totally done having children, of course).

So...tell me about YOUR boobs, and what you chose/will choose to do with them ;)  And tell any followers all the reasons I've left out that you should breastfeed.  OR tell them why you chose not to!  Let's talk about boobs...