Define Perfect

A few days after my son was born, a little mark appeared on his cheek.  It looked like a little bruise and I worried that I had somehow injured him.  But when my midwife came to see us, I asked her, and she told me it was a cafe au lait spot - a type of birthmark.  This was confirmed by my doctor, who told me that this particular type of birthmark would not go away, but should not really change much over the years either.  I was okay with that; I think the little spot is cute - it's like a little thumbprint that begs to be kissed :)

I thought no more of it.  So, when my mother in law asked me after one doctor's appointment, what the doctor had said about it, I said, "Nothing.  It's a birthmark.  There's nothing more to say about it," rather defensively.  Her response did nothing to make me feel less defensive: sensing my defensiveness, she tried to be reassuring.  "Oh.  Right.  And we can just put makeup on it for photos."  EXCUSE ME???  There is nothing wrong or in need of covering about my son!  We will NOT be putting makeup on him, thanks!

From time to time, someone will ask what's on his cheek - usually children, sometimes adults.  I don't mind that.  I simply tell them it's a birthmark, and that's the end of that.  Children have no filter at this age and and naturally curious, but they aren't inherently mean.  A friend's little girl thought he was being particularly helpful one time while I was cleaning my son up after dinner.  "Oh," she said, "He has chocolate on his cheek!"  It was actually pretty cute.

Over time, though, the mark did change a little.  It got a little larger and a little darker.  My doctor told me that it was just a change in pigment, likely due to sun exposure, and that it wasn't actually growing, just stretching as his face and skin grew - no reason for concern.  Okay then, I'm not concerned :)

But his father feels differently.  When I drop him off at his house, Dad often pokes at the mark and inspects it, telling me we need to have it removed.  Saying this bothers me would be an understatement.  When I look at our son, I don't even notice the birthmark, and if I do, I love it - it's what makes him unique, it's adorable, he's perfect and beautiful.  I look at him and see his bright blue eyes, his adorable blonde curls, his mischievous smile...I see how big and healthy and strong he is, how smart, what a little sense of humour he has.  I just can not understand how anyone can look at him and find flaw.

But I do understand that kids can be cruel as they get older.  I know someone will make fun of him at some point in his life.  But I figure everyone gets teased about something.  I hope that I will raise him with enough confidence and encouragement that a little teasing about something so minimal won't bother him.  He's big and athletic and has a big personality.  I think he'll have lots of friends from those qualities, in school, on sports teams, and those kids will appreciate him for his skills and kindness and humour, and stop noticing the little beige thumbprint on his cheek, or at least stop thinking of it as a negative.  But in order for him to grow up with that self esteem, I think it's integral that he feel that unconditional love from his family, and NEVER any doubt from any one of US that there's anything wrong with him.  THERE ISN'T!

I did want to make sure I had been given the correct information about his birthmark and that there were no medical concerns associated with it, so I took him to see a dermatologist.  She told me that I had, in fact, been slightly mislead: it is not actually a birthmark; it is a type of mole.  But still, it was perfectly healthy and she saw no reason for concern.  We will take him for an annual check up each year, at which she will measure and inspect the mole for concerning changes, and we will be diligent about using sunblock on him.  She said the mole would grow with him, but proportionally to his face, and there was no reason to believe it would overtake it.  I asked her about potential social implication the mole might cause him later in life.  She acknowledged them, but assured me that the mole really wasn't a big deal, and that surgical removal of it would result in a significant scar, and more concerning: he'd have to undergo general anaesthesia, rather than just local, because kids his age just don't stay still for doctor's to operate on them without it.  General anaesthesia always comes with risks, particularly in young children and infants, and I recently learned from my cousin, people affected by Thompkin's Disease have to be extra careful and another step needs to be in play if such a person needs to have general anaesthesia.  My son has not been tested for Thompkin's, and I have no reason to believe he has it, but since we have now detected it in our family, it's a possibility for which we should all be prepared.  Anyhow, the bottom line is that the risks of surgical removal at this point outweigh any questionable benefits.  The doctor told me that if we were talking about her own daughter, she would leave it around.  It was the mommi's advice that she gave me that solidified my position on it, even moreso than the dermatologist's.  I decided to do nothing about the mole.  Except I also decided to keep calling the spot a birthmark, because it somehow sounds cuter than "mole" ;)

Fast forward another few months: life goes on, my son is beautiful and perfect, he's healthy, he's growing, he's learning so much.  And his dad brings the birthmark up again.  Give it a rest already!  He tells me that the birthmark is growing and our son is going to hate us later in life (actually, he tells me - not for the first time - that our son will hate me when he's older, because he will tell him terrible things about me, including the fact the he wanted to have the mark removed, and I refused).  He says it's going to overtake his cheek and become the size of a baseball.  (Note: it's still the size of a thumbprint)  He says he needs laser surgery to remove it.  I remembered something else the dermatologist had told me: that while laser surgery can be effective at removing surface cells, moles go many cells deep.  The risk of removing only the pigmented cells on the skin's surface is that it effectively removes your only warning signs should anything happen and the cells mutate into something cancerous!  I repeat everything the dermatologist shared with me, and my opinion that the best thing to do for our son is to love him, not make a big deal out of something that is nothing, and keep an eye out for changes.  He is not satisfied, so I tell him I will make another appointment with the dermatologist, and that maybe he should attend this one (he has not attended a single medical appointment for him in the past), so that he can ask his questions and get the information firsthand, since he doubts what I report back to him.

And I did make that appointment, and surprisingly, his dad did attend.  My mother took my son to it since I was working, and the dermatologist only allowed one adult in the room for the appointment, so I had to ask his dad what the doctor has said.  He told me a very different story than what I later got by calling the dermatologist's office for a report myself.  The medical notes held only the same information I had been given the time before: everything was fine, the doctor's medical opinion was that no treatment was advisable.  But still his dad was insistent that surgical removal was needed.  He went so far as to get a referral to a plastic surgeon!  I was furious, and had to notify the dermatologist's office that, as per our Separation Agreement, I have decision making power on non-emergency medical decisions.  So, dad can make as many appointments as he wants, but cannot authorize a procedure.  Note to self: fax copies of Separation Agreement to dermatologist, plastic surgeon, family physician...

WHY WHY WHY??? Why is he so intent on viewing our child's adorable little thumbprint birthmark as an imperfection?  Seriously: show me a child who is perfect!  I bet you probably can.  Every mommi will present me with their child :) But now show me a child who is perfect by everyone's definition.  I look around the room at the daycare my son attends: there's the little girl with a bright red birthmark showing above the collar of her shirt.  There's the little boy with a lazy eye.  There's the girl with two hearing aids.  There's another with thick glasses.  There's a boy in a wheelchair with osteogenesis imperfecta (Don't know what that is?  Read Jodi Picoult's Handle with Care - great book!  Actually, most of hers are...but I digress).  There's a little girl with a healing scar from corrective surgery for a harelip.  There's a little girl with fiery red hair and a multitude of freckles.  There's a skinny kid.  There's a chubby kid.  There's a short kid.  There's a kid who stands way taller than everyone else.  There's a kid with a lisp.  There's a kid who stutters.  There's a kid who hasn't mastered consonants.  AND THEY'RE ALL ADORABLE, LOVABLE, PERFECT.

The kids with hearing and vision aids, and who had undergone corrective surgery, were treated because their differences were medical, and necessary.  Not because their parents just didn't like what they saw!  Isn't it better to teach kids tolerance, acceptance, and love - than that we need to change or correct anything unique about them?

I understand where his dad's concern comes from.  Any mommi (or daddi) feels such tremendous love for her child that the very notion of them suffering in any way at any time is unbearable - and suffering teasing or bullying counts.  I want to do right by my son.  I want to make the best decisions for him.  I hope he has the easiest life possible.  But will removing a unique and harmless part of him do that?  I don't think so...but I can't say I'm 100% sure about that.  And so, I will allow the appointment with the plastic surgeon, and I will attend with an open mind.  I will listen to his professional recommendation and learn about the options available to us.

But I still maintain that my son is absolutely perfect, just the way he is.